Dublin Airport Luggage Turns Up At CERN

July, 2022 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

PASSANGERS who lost their luggage coming through Dublin airport can breathe a sigh of relief today after scientists at CERN confirmed that hundreds of suitcases were found scattered along the hadron collider and will be returned in due course.

Along with the luggage, several disorientated passengers were also found wandering around the facility before being shuttled to a nearby hospital and treated for shock.

“Last thing I remember I was queueing for security and the next I’m walking around the tunnel,” Irishman and Ryanair passenger-to-be, Martin Sterling, who spent three days walking around in circles before being found, “I was meant to fly to Paris but ended up in Switzerland, but I just thought this was normal Ryanair practice”.

Dublin Airport confirmed a chartered flight will now fly to Geneva and collect the hoard of luggage and 7 lost passengers and fly them back to Dublin.

“We have no idea how this happened,” a joint statement from Aerlingus, Ryanair and Dublin Airport read, “we can only apologise to those passengers affected and charge them three times the fare back from Switzerland”.

A spokes scientist at CERN stated this isn’t the first-time lost items have been found at the facility, confirming thousands of odd socks, teaspoons, pens and car keys are regularly discovered at the site.

Leaked: Government’s Cost Of Living Measures For Upcoming Budget

July, 2022 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, Uplifting Viral Content

THE BUDGET has been brought forward by the coalition government with a number of measures to combat cost of living expenses being routinely leaked to the media.

WWN has all the leaked budgetary measures which could prove vital in helping those most affected by the squeeze on household budgets:

Refunds on golf club membership fees.

Heating bill paused for people’s second holiday homes.

Increasing welfare payments to landlords via increased HAP.

A scheme similar to the Pandemic Unemployment Payment specifically targeted at helping people retain staff by the State covering their wages, so far the scheme is open to owners of private swimming pools only.

One off red diesel giveaway pending Sinn Féin cooperation.

Two for one caviar in all shops.

Further increase in alcohol prices.

Phone bill refunds for anyone calling onto Joe Duffy to complain about how you’d be better off on the dole these days than working.

TV package cost rebate for people buying BT and Sky Sports to watch the rugby.

Uniform allowance increase for people going back to fencing school.

A free coffee for any opposition party after their 20th failed motion of no confidence in the government or a government minister.