‘It would be a lot easier if he had murdered someone’ — women stigmatised and shunned after partners’ sex offences

Today at 02:30

New research has provided a rare glimpse into the “secondary stigma” around the women related to men who have been accused of downloading child sexual abuse material.

“Sexual crimes are considered very shameful in our society, even more so than murder,” study author Elaine Kavanagh of the University of Limerick said.

“One key finding from this interview study is how quickly feelings of shame and stigma spread to innocent family members.”

Downloading child sexual abuse material is on an upward trend worldwide.

Hotline.ie, a national reporting centre set up in 1999, noted that 51pc of all child sexual abuse material ever identified was recorded in 2019 and 2020, pointing to a rapid rise in the harmful online content.

Irish researchers highlighted findings that people downloading this material were more likely than other sex offenders to be married and to have children.

​While the offenders face stigma and ostracism, the study found the impact on female relatives was wide-ranging, even when they were no longer in contact with the offender, and could last for years.

“It was unexpected to discover that these women continued to feel bad about themselves, blame themselves and lose trust in others for many years after the discovery of the sexual offence, even though they were innocent victims themselves,” Dr Kavanagh said.

She stressed it was important to protect children from sexual harm and from the shame and trauma caused by their father’s actions.

“Although previous research has shown that children can be affected in a negative way, this study underlines the importance of protecting children from suffering in their everyday lives because of their father’s sexual offence,” she said.

“Professionals dealing with these cases should receive proper training on the topic, including understanding the trauma experienced by families during discovery. This support would also help the remaining family members to protect their children.”

The psychology researchers spoke to former partners, women who had stayed in relationships with their partners and the mothers of offenders.

In the resulting research paper, women relayed their shock at learning their family member was being accused of accessing the material.

“So, then the police came in and they said it’s about, you know, your husband and, that’s it, I thought he was dead,” said Anna, a supportive partner.

Mary, an offender’s mother, said: “I thought it was over hash.”

All participants recalled an immediate sense of feeling alone.

“There was no one I could talk to, nobody, nobody,” said Holly, a supportive partner.

Describing finding the situation “very difficult”, she said she had to “take anti- depressants all the time”.

A former partner named Deirdre described hitting “rock bottom” and said she had “thoughts of suicide”. Another women, Irene, a supportive partner, said she twice attempted suicide.

The study said participants reported feelings of intense shame from the time of discovery and feelings of pervasive distrust.

“If he murdered someone, it would be a lot easier, d’you know?” Holly said.

Dr Kavanagh, an organisational psychologist and associate professor in psychology, said it was important to know that sexual crimes were often kept secret.

“Family members may not have been aware that it was happening at home,” she said.

​The study found family members can experience financial problems along with feeling a need to show they are good parents despite not committing any crime.

“All these difficulties happened while they were already dealing with the shock of discovering the crime, and sometimes they were even rejected by family, friends and their community, even though they did not do anything wrong,” Dr Kavanagh said.

The research, published in the Journal Of Child Sexual Abuse, noted that non-offending family members were often considered a valuable protective resource for getting offenders to desist from such activities and in safeguarding children from abuse.

Dr Kavanagh said parents mentioned that their children were also treated differently and sometimes excluded by their friends at school.

“Teachers treated them unfairly, and some even faced threats from vigilante groups when they were at home,” she added.

After one sex offender was live-streamed by vigilantes, his wife said: “No one talks to me.”

The woman described her home being aggressively targeted because her family address was made public online, saying.

“My house was attacked with my children in it,” she said.

Dr Kavanagh stressed the importance of protecting the privacy of innocent family members because they have not committed any offence.